


The Great Bake-Off

by volunteerfd



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Reality TV, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 07:39:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17638586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/volunteerfd/pseuds/volunteerfd
Summary: Seven home bakers (Bruce, Steve, Bucky, Peter, Shuri, Natasha, and General Ross) compete in a famously non-competitive baking competition. Thor tries to prevent his new co-host, Loki, from stirring things up too much. Meanwhile, judge Tony  Stark has his eye on a different prize--Bruce Banner.





	The Great Bake-Off

**Author's Note:**

> I take a lot of liberties with the show's format. Also, warning: someone cuts the tip of their finger off.

THOR _ :  _ Welcome to the  _ Great Bake-off  _ where seven special amateur bakers compete to find out who is the best among them. This is our special  _ Superstar  _ edition, a global search of people who are exemplary in their fields: martial arts champions, Olympic medalists, award-winning scientists, child prodigies.

LOKI: Their destinies fall to the whims and caprices of our judges: legendary food writer, Pepper Potts, and world-famous chef and baker, Tony Stark, who will scrutinize their creations, having never cooked under similarly stressful conditions.

THOR: ...but they’re also very fair, equitable judges...Very knowledgeable… I am your host, Thor Odinson.

LOKI: And I am your new host, Loki Laufeyson. No relation.

THOR, puzzled: We’re half-bro--

LOKI: Welcome to  _ Great Bake-Off: Superstars! _

[Opening Credits]

_ VOICE OVER: Our first challenge is cupcakes. Bakers have free reign over choosing their flavors, preparing the cupcakes, and presenting them to our judges. Our first contestant is one of the youngest in the show’s history: Peter Parker, a science Whiz Kid from Queens, New York.  _

[Thor and Loki approach Peter’s baking station]

THOR: So, why this show? Why not Teen Jeopardy Challenge or Dabbing With The Stars?

PETER: Well, I have been on Jeopardy--and I won 26 games--but I thought it would be cool to be on a baking show and meet Tony Stark.

LOKI: Are you going to win?

PETER: I don’t know. Maybe.

LOKI: “Maybe?” What kind of an attitude is that? 

PETER: Uh...

LOKI: Can you beat Shuri?

PETER: I don’t know. 

THOR: You don’t  _ know? _

PETER: She’s really good. [pause] I don’t want to beat anyone.

THOR: You’re in a competition! Be competitive!   
PETER: I just want to bake. It’s fun. It would be cool if I win. But it’s also cool that I’m here and that I met Tony Stark. 

THOR (raising his arms): Announce to the world: “I am Peter Parker and I am the greatest baker in the world!”

PETER: Uh...I’m Peter...Peter Parker...I’m the greatest...one of the greatest bakers in the world. (pause) Yay! 

_ VOICE OVER _ : _ And as a special surprise, we have another teenage wunderkind--Shuri from Wakanda, who, at 17 years old, already has three PHDs. _

THOR: What are you concocting, Shuri?

SHURI: Yuzu cake with ginger meringue.

THOR: Very bold. 

LOKI: So you think you can win?

SHURI: What a stupid question. Of course I can. I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t.

LOKI: So you can beat Bruce…

SHURI: Oh yeah.

LOKI: Steve…

SHURI: For sure.

LOKI: Peter?

SHURI: I can  _ crush  _ Peter.

LOKI: Peter’s a Jeopardy champion. Are you?

SHURI: No. I won 42 rounds of the Wakandan equivalent of Jeopardy, which is exponentially harder because the questions and answers are multilingual.

LOKI: Well, I hope you win because I’m afraid of what will happen if you don’t.

_ VOICE OVER: Our next contestant, Bruce Banner, is an astrophysicist. When he isn’t advising NASA or teaching at MIT, he makes pastries for homeless shelters. _

LOKI: Do you prefer “Doctor Professor” or “Professor Doctor?” 

BRUCE: “Bruce” is fine.

LOKI: And what are you making, Bruce?

BRUCE: Vegan matcha cupcakes with lemon glaze.

LOKI: You know you don’t have to make them vegan, right?

BRUCE: Yeah, I know.

[Thor glances back at the judge’s table]

THOR: I won’t tell Tony.

BRUCE: It’s not a secret.

THOR: Loki, don’t you dare tell Tony.

LOKI: I wouldn’t dream of it!

THOR: We must protect the contestants!

LOKI: I will!

[Bruce laughs in spite of himself]

THOR: So, Bruce! You had your pick of any cooking show in the country, I imagine. What compelled you to this one?

BRUCE: Uh, it’s more...relaxing than the others. Not as cutthroat. Am I allowed to say that? “Cutthroat?”

THOR: Of course. Why wouldn’t you be?

BRUCE: Like, Cutthroat Kit[bleep]?

_ Voiceover: Next, we have two husbands, Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes. Former Olympic medalists, they now spend most of their time in Vermont training service dogs. _

LOKI: Well look at you two. Wow. You can be the couple on a Ryan Mur[bleep] show. 

STEVE: I...I don’t know who that is.

LOKI: Nip [Bleep]? [Bleep] Queens? The New [Bleep]? Glee?

[Steve stares blankly.]

LOKI: It’s a compliment.

THOR: Is it, though?

LOKI: Yes! They’d be the first couple to get murdered in a new season of American Horror [Bleep]!

[Steve and Bucky look at each other]

THOR: What are you making?

BUCKY: I’m making a chocolate cake with fudge frosting and Steve’s making vanilla.

LOKI: Love it. It’s so...basic.

THOR: Traditional.

LOKI: Light and dark. Is that fair to say? You’re the dark and he’s the light?

STEVE: Er...I think we’re both...light. And dark. In our own ways. Like all people.

LOKI: I find it hard to believe there’s any darkness in a strapping Boy Scout like yourself.

[Steve scratches his neck and looks uncomfortably at the camera]

LOKI: Now, only one of you can win. What kind of tension is that going to cause?

THOR: Loki, what are you doing?

STEVE: Uh, no tension. Our relationship can withstand an Olympic-sized swimming pool of competition.

THOR: Delightful! Now, Steve, would you tell me--

LOKI: Do you agree, Bucky, that your relationship with Steve is solid?   
BUCKY: Yeah? It’s just baking. Anyway, I thought this was supposed to be the chill show. You know. Peaceful and supportive.

THOR: Loki is still finding the tone. 

BUCKY:  _ I  _ wanted to go on Iron Ch[bleep].

_ VOICE OVER: Our next contestant, Natasha [Bleep] is a [bleep] from [bleep.] In her spare time, she enjoys [bleep], [bleep] [bleeeeeeeep], and jetskiing. _

THOR: Ms. [Bleep]-

NATASHA: Busy.

LOKI: Well, we have to, you know, talk to you.

NATASHA: Do you? I thought this was a baking show.

LOKI: It is, but—

NATASHA: Not a talk show.

LOKI: Talking is a component.

NATASHA: I’ll let you ask three questions.

THOR: What?

NATASHA: Two.

LOKI: Damn it! 

THOR: What should we ask?

NATASHA: One.

LOKI: Gah!

THOR: H-how are you?

NATASHA: Busy.

_ VOICE OVER: Lastly, we have retired military man, General Thaddeus Ross. _

[Ross gives off bad vibes. Thor and Loki are reluctant to approach him.]

THOR: So uh. What’ve we got here?

ROSS: Cupcakes.

[Long, awkward pause]. 

THOR: Neat.

[Quick cutaway]

_ VOICE OVER: Next, we find out what inspires our bakers to their craft. _

PETER: I do a lot of bake sales. For my Robotics club. We have to raise money to travel and stuff. Once, we had to go to California so I made twelve dozen cupcakes. 

LOKI: That’s a lot of cupcakes.

PETER: Yeah. It’s twelve twelves. 

THOR: And Shuri, how are your--

[He stops short when he sees twelve fully prepared cupcakes, arranged artfully on a three-tier display)

THOR: Did you bake your cupcakes already?

SHURI: Yep.

THOR: And plate them?

LOKI: But that’s--that’s physically impossible.

SHURI: Clearly it’s not.

[Thor and Loki look helplessly at the camera.]

THOR: And what do you like about baking, Doctor Banner?

BRUCE: It’s relaxing. A, uh, low-stakes hobby. If you mess up, no one dies.

LOKI: That’s not true.

BRUCE: What?

LOKI: There are loads of ways people can die from baking. Burning the house down, poison…

[Pause]

BRUCE: That’s two ways.

LOKI: Explosions.

THOR: That generally doesn’t happen. 

LOKI: A different type of poison.

THOR: What are you doing?

[Cut to Natasha’s baking station. It’s empty]

LOKI: Where did she--?

THOR: Is that allowed? [to the camera] Are they allowed to leave their stations?

_ VOICE (off-camera): I don’t know! _

THOR: Well, does it say anything in the rulebook?

_ VOICE (off-camera): I’m looking! _

LOKI: While he’s looking, let’s check on our lovely married couple. How are things in paradise?

STEVE: Great! We aren’t doing anything too complicated, so we’re able to just take it easy, which is nice. 

THOR: And why do you enjoy baking?

BUCKY: We’re a gay couple who live in Vermont. We figured why not complete the stereotype?

[Thor and Loki stand away from Ross’ table, bickering]

THOR:  _ You  _ go talk to him--

LOKI: I don’t want to--

THOR: I did most of the talking last time!

LOKI: I am  _ single-handedly  _ carrying this  _ entire  _ show--

THOR: What are you talking about? You’re new!  _ And  _ you’re the younger brother!

[Loki glares at Thor and calls over to Ross]

LOKI: You all right over there?   
[Ross grunts.]

LOKI: Great!

_ VOICE OVER: Finally, the bakers will plate and present their cupcakes to the judges. _

LOKI: So that’s how you’re presenting your cupcakes?

BRUCE: Er...yeah.

LOKI: You don’t want to jazz it up a bit?

BRUCE: “Jazz?”

LOKI: Add a little more style? Flair?

BRUCE: Uh...no.

LOKI: Smart call. If there’s one thing Tony Stark hates, it’s pizzazz.

[They walk over to Bucky and Steve’s table]

LOKI: Holy [bleep]. 

[Loki is momentarily rendered speechless by Steve’s display. He colored and positioned all his cupcakes so that they look like a sunrise]

LOKI: Hoping to score some points in presentation? 

STEVE: I guess. I had some free time to do it, that’s all.

LOKI: And what does your dark side have planned for us?

BUCKY: I’m just grating some chocolate as a garnish. I should probably use something smaller but I have the butcher knife out already and--SH[bleep]! F[blee]! MY [bleep]ING FINGER!

[He wraps his hand around his finger and clutches it to his chest, which is rapidly pooling with blood]

THOR: Commercial! Commercial!

LOKI: Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

[Bruce immediately leaps into action, wrapping Bucky’s finger as the cameras cut out]

LOKI: We had some technical--

[Thor wipes his forehead and looks pointedly at Steve, whose forehead is streaked with blood. Steve cocks his head to the side]

LOKI: --difficulties, but we’re ready to move on with our round.

[Thor continues dramatically pantomiming. Steve still looks confused.]

LOKI: The show must go on, as they say.

THOR (exasperated): Blood! You’ve got blood on your forehead!

STEVE: What? (He wipes his forehead) Oh.

(Bruce hands him a napkin. Natasha covers her face with her hand in embarrassment)

PETER: You’re back!

NATASHA: I never left.

_ VOICE OVER: Ready or not, the contestants present their cupcakes to the judges. Up first is Steve’s sunrise display. _

PEPPER: Beautiful. Are you a caterer? Do you do events?

STEVE: No, ma’am.

TONY: I am impressed by the design. But will I be impressed by the baking?

[Pepper takes a bite of one of the cupcakes. Her expression is carefully unreadable]

PEPPER: Did you use butter in this?

STEVE: No butter. Just Crisco and margarine.

[Pepper and Tony exchange looks.]

TONY: Uh….why?

STEVE: Special recipe from my great-grandma. She grew up during the Great Depression. Butter was scarce. She had to make do with what she had. So even now, with such great bounty, I hold to the values she instilled: hardwork and thrift. 

PEPPER: She must be very proud of you.

[Steve tears up and nods. Pepper and Tony move onto Bruce without eating more.]

PEPPER: And what did you make?

BRUCE: Vegan matcha cupcakes with lemon glaze.

TONY: The pantry is stocked! We have butter! Why isn’t anyone using it?

BRUCE: Why don’t you try it first, and then determine whether it actually needs butter?

[Pepper takes a bite and hums. Tony mock-glares at Bruce, tries the cupcake, and glares harder.]

TONY (begrudgingly): It’s really good.

PEPPER: Air light. Delectable. Tony, anything add?   
TONY: It...It might be the best cupcake I’ve eaten. 

BRUCE (smiling wryly, testing his odds): On the show?

TONY (mutters): Maybe ever.

ROSS: I made tomato aspic cupcakes.

TONY: Nope.

PEPPER: Tony. You have to.

TONY: I don’t even know why we stock tomatoes in a baking--

PEPPER: Give it a chance--

TONY: What sadist would even--

PEPPER: You have to try it to be fair---

TONY: What’s  _ unfair  _ is presenting me with ketchup cake!

[Pepper looks at Ross and smiles as if they weren’t just arguing about him. She takes a bite of his cupcake, forces herself to swallow and not cringe]

PEPPER: Interesting choice.

[Tony takes a bite, looks Ross straight in the eye]

TONY: It’s bad. 

[Bruce sniggers. Ross glares at him. The judges move on to Shuri]

PEPPER: And what have we here?

SHURI: Yuzu cupcakes with ginger meringue.

TONY: I am impressed by your daring. [He takes a bite] And your talent. Finally, another contender.

[Steve’s brow furrows as the comment lands. Ross glowers. Next is Natasha’s dark chocolate and blood-red cherry cupcakes. Pepper picks one up and examines it.]

PEPPER: Wow. These are almost too beautiful to eat.

NATASHA: Almost.

TONY: To be honest, I’m not usually a fan of this combination, but I can’t deny it’s executed perfectly.

[The judges move to Peter]

PETER: I made peanut butter banana cupcakes. I know they’re not fancy but they sell out fast at bake sales.

PEPPER: I can see why!

TONY: Delicious! Forget bake sales, kid. You can open your own shop. Hell, I’d even invest.

[Peter squeaks and stammers]

TONY: So, unfortunately, we can’t cut anyone out this round because someone already got cut. Literally. His whole finger just--[mimes chopping his finger off]

PEPPER (glaring): What Mr. Stark means to say is, Mr. Barnes had to go home due to a--

TONY: --baking accident.

PEPPER: And it wasn’t his whole finger. It was just the tip.

[Tony and Shuri snigger; Peter looks confused]

PEPPER: But we appreciate the opportunity to try so many unique desserts and see what you all have in store for us in the next round.

TONY: Well, what  _ most  _ of you have in store.

  
  
  



End file.
